I know it has been quite a while and I am very much sure of what happened between the both of us. We weren’t even friends before, but we weren’t enemies either. We were somewhere in between, somewhere we both know each other but doesn’t give a fuck. I can remember clearly why I hated you so much, and why I hated every bit of your personality, of who you are, of what you do. I hated you because you broke me, into million pieces. You taught my heart to hate, you filled my heart with anger, and you first taught me that it’s okay to lie. It’s okay to lie because it benefits you, or someone else.
Along the way, the anger grew. The hatred flourished and I started being what I hated you for. I created a monster out of all the things I hated you for and I became it. Can you still remember when a friend and I talked to you, looking for our partners, and you told us that you just woke up and you do not know where they are? Only to find out that you allowed them to sleep in your place, simply because you were “helping” a friend. Lies. Can you still remember how you talked to me, with your friend, when someone told me that you kissed my boyfriend even if you knew we were together? Lies. I hated you for lying, I hated you because you lied. You lied and my trust came crashing down like an avalanche of anger making me someone I never wanted to be. I hated a lot of people because of you, too. I even lost all my respect for someone in his name is worthy of respect because of you. I hated an old friend because he dragged us into an abyss of loathing.
I knew for a part that this was my fault, you apologized and I listened. But that’s me, I listen to people a lot, but since you lied, how can I trust your words? And your actions? And who you are as a whole? I can go on with a list of why I hated you, but that isn’t the intention of this letter. Few nights ago, I cried in pain. I cried for the things I’ve done, and for the things I never wanted to do but was able to, because I became like you. I became a liar like you were. I know you can still sense the pain and anger in this letter, but surely, this too shall pass. The hurt too, shall pass.
I wrote this letter without pain in my heart, to tell you. I wrote this letter with joy, because I know today, I will forgive the person I never thought I’d forgive. Weeks of reflection and realization made me see that we are two different individuals, but in the end, we’re the same. We’re two human beings who are worthy of an identity of our own. We make mistakes. We cry. We aren’t perfect. Today, I will forgive the person I never thought I’d forgive, and that person is me. I hated myself for allowing hate and anger linger in my heart, but now I forgive. I am sorry if I allowed that, if I blamed you for who I have become, when there’s no one else to blame but me. I am sorry if in years, I allowed anger to swallow me whole. I am sorry if you apologized and I just listened but never believed. Today, I also hope that you forgive me for these things, because as I have forgiven myself, I know I am on the way and almost there, in forgiving you. Forgiveness needs not to be expensive, it shouldn’t cost relationships and bonds. Forgiveness, in its simplest form, is pure joy and peace.
Let us forgive ourselves and each other. I don’t forgive you because I just want to feel like a good person. I don’t forgive you because I am forgetting what happened between us, in fact, I forgive us, because I remember. I will always remember that you are a person who deserves all good things in life, just as a person like me does. Thank you for making me feel alive. I forgive what happened because it only made us stronger, it only created a way for me to become a better version of my self. I forgive, because I love. I love because it’s more beautiful than hate, it’s more beautiful than pain. Happiness is a choice, and today, I am choosing “happy.” I hope you too never forget what happened between us, as it may teach us things more valuable than anything in the world.
I’m sorry if I’ve been a tough gum to chew. I’m sorry if I’ve been grumpy and childish. I’m sorry if I hated you without you knowing. I’m sorry if I blamed you for a lot of things I should blame myself for. But in all these things, let’s both not be sorry for being the humans we are. I may not understood who you are, what you are and the things you do, but that problem is mine to deal, and not yours. I should have not blamed you for the stupid decisions I did, because I chose to do these myself.
You are a part of me, and that part is no longer bounded by hate and anger.
It is sealed in love of the One who permitted these things to happen, and in humility it is preserved.