A few weeks from today as I write this letter, probably one month away, you are taking another shot to reach your ultimate dream and I regret not being able to tell you how proud I am of you for being strong enough to believe that you can. Because our long conversations turned to short senseless texts already.
If I had a choice, I will remind you about these things everyday. I would remind you that you should not quit on chasing after your dreams because you can, because I have always believed in you. I have always looked at you and I see a strong woman who would cry when she needs to but picks herself back up and push harder. You failed at the first try, but you did not quit, even if as if the worlds conspired to tell you that you can’t, you still stood up and composed yourself, and in the face of hardships, you say “I CAN. WAIT LANG.”
I am proud of the woman you are becoming. I miss you and I miss us. I miss my sister. I miss my travel buddy. I miss my bucket-list friend. I miss my go-to friend in times of hunger! I miss my movie companion. I miss my sleepover sister. I miss my instant ATM. I miss my “pahiram ng pantulog” friend.
I wonder if you also feel the same.
I keep reading your rants over Twitter, how there you are, stressed and all. I wished I could text you that you don’t and should not give up now, but I did not. Because, pride. Because what the hell, right? I could’ve said “Bitch, always remember, the harder the battle, the sweeter the victory. You can do this, you got this. We got your back, we believe in you, we pray for you. Whatever happens, we will forever be proud of you for trying again!” but I did not, because again, what the hell. I messed up, right? I messed up and you were hurt.
Apologies were exchanged, forgiveness was vague. But it doesn’t matter anymore, the past can hurt, our prides can hurt but one thing is certain, we can always forgive, we can always wait for healing.
Have you lost hope? Have you lost hope of us being what we used to be again?
Because I have not. A part of me tells me right now that even if I craft a 1000 word note about you and me, you won’t probably care but I miss you. It is only through this that I can let this out. But I also wish you care. I wish what we had never ended that way. We were too hurt to forgive that time, and now, though I hope not, I guess it’s too late.
With these said, I want to say sorry for a couple of things. I’m sorry for making you my problem absorb-er. I’m sorry you had to listen to my endless dramas and that one thing, by just listening, you made me feel better. I’m sorry you had to keep millions of my secrets. I’m sorry I did not care about how you felt and became selfish. I’m sorry that we are not making memories we thought we would, that we are not ticking off items in our bucket list together which we thought we would. I’m sorry I said what I said, and I did what I did. I’m sorry that I stopped Instagram-ing our photos because I ran out of photos to post, because I’m sorry we were never able to hang out again. I’m sorry that our plans of zip-lining Dubai Mall is now a distant memory. Us not being friends feels so bad.
And thank you, thank you for being brutally honest about how you felt about me. Thank you for being open and frank. Thank you for trying to understand me even if I know, it was the hardest thing to do. Thank you for being that friend I perfectly needed in my life during the time that was.
You are the “less” that is “more”.
If one day, whatever power on earth permits that we patch things up, I hope we do.
I’m not mad anymore.
I love you always.