Lying alone in bed, lights off. It was dark and darkness seems to soothe my violent thoughts. I was screaming but no sound comes out of my mouth. I was weeping, crying, shouting and ferociously asking for help but no tears fall down my eyes. I was, helpless. I heard voices telling me that dying is sweeter than living, but I was afraid, I was afraid I would die but dying is the only way out. I was afraid I would cut too deep and bleed to death. I was afraid I’d die through my own will, on my own decision.
Insecurities preyed on me. I looked around and saw how a dot I am in the world. It will go on without me anyway; my family would mourn, but will definitely go on without me anyway. Friends would cry, but how important was I that their life would stop when I die?
I was in high school, a freshman, when I thought I knew what life is about. Life is horrible. I looked for happiness in bottles of beer and vodka and gin, consumed them full and I ended up, still empty. I sought comfort in sharp blade edges cutting through my skin where all my frustrations and despair hides deep within. I scarred my heart with one, two and three relationships that made me feel like a hand-me-down shirt abused until it’s no longer useful. I took sleeping pills and antidepressant all together. I drank cough syrups to get high. I looked awful. I looked at the mirror and saw someone I do not know. I was,
For long years, I had crazy sleep patterns, anxiety, agitation, extremely self-hating thoughts, feeling like I don’t belong, hopelessness, anger, feeling trapped, feeling like a burden, I lost interest with things I loved doing. I watched how my grades drown in thoughts that I wasn’t smart. I wrote a couple of suicide notes, I was in a relationship but I was not loved, maybe I was, but it wasn’t the love I needed. I have given up on myself. Congratulations, society!
I had reasons, a lot of them, but to cut it short, let’s just say that the society defined who I needed to be and I had a hard time being that person, I got depressed. I was always misjudged for being someone I know I wasn’t. To make people happy, I gave them what they wanted, the young girl they told me I was.
When I was almost ready, when I was tired of pretending to be okay and was ready, was the same time I saw how people were trying so bad not to give up on me. I saw how people placed their hopes on me, that one day; I will be someone with a name. It’s a long story but today, as I write this, I am proud to say that I won over depression and suicide!
When I entered college, everything went different. I still had those voices inside my head, telling me how stupid I was for getting 3s or 5s. I still hear them say I was not good enough and I cannot do things better but I am braver than they are. They are merely voices, I am alive. I have a heart so strong to continue living when I wanted to die.
So how did I stand victorious over misery?
1. I started appreciating myself so I could appreciate the people around me.
I started looking at the love I was given rather than the love I was looking for. My family never gave up on me and there are a lot of reasons to be happy. I appreciated how different people are and I have learned to take criticisms constructively. I learned how to accept things I cannot change. I have learned to appreciate who I was, in my flawsomeness. My mistakes will never define who I can be in the future but will surely help me be the better version of who I am today. If I committed suicide, I wouldn’t see how beautiful it is to be appreciated.
2. I stopped looking for love, and allowed it to find me.
Love is a funny thing. I was so young when I started chasing love and I got tired. I did not listen to anyone who told me that love is gonna be hard. I got tired and I gave up on the relationship I had, it was doing me no good anyway. I told myself, if I was deserving of love, it will find me and it did. I met someone, from my age, who looked beyond my insecurities and imperfections, someone who believed that someday, I am going to be somebody. Everyone deserves genuine love, and when you find it, you don’t have to fight for it, because it will show the world thousands and thousands of reasons why that “LOVE” is the love you need, on its own. I wouldn’t experience pure bliss because of love if I took my own life.
3. I surrounded myself with few but positive people.
When I was younger, I was thirsty for being liked. I surrounded myself with a lot of people who I then learned was stabbing me behind my back. It added salt to the wound and I have learned my lessons. Few trusted friends who can drop bombs in front of you are better than a hundred who will use one knife to stab your back. Surround yourself with positivity and happiness, smile. Because joy is contagious, and let other people see that in you so they’ll be happy too!
4. Happiness is not found in beer bottles, it’s in cookies and cakes!
I did not stop from drinking but I stopped over drinking. I can now control myself, when I know I’m almost tipsy, I stop. Happiness is not found in beer, vodka or gin! Not even in Tequila Sunrise or Shirley Temple! Happiness is in cookies and cakes. When I’m feeling blue, I eat cupcakes or candies or gummy bears! Oh! Just thinking about them makes me happy! 😀
5. I started motivating myself with realistic dreams.
I started dreaming about things I know I can reach. Like, earning a college degree for pete’s sake and traveling the world one place at a time. I started dreaming about so many things and I crawl my way up to reach them. I am happy that I am able to tick each from my list slowly. 🙂
6. I took every problem as a challenge and I assured myself I wasn’t alone.
I wasn’t alone and life isn’t horrible. I bravely faced life and told her “BITCH, IS THAT IT?!” and believe me, knowing you’re not alone in any battle is enough to keep you going, it’s enough to strengthen you! And you are not alone! 😀
7. I looked up.
Someone I respect a lot told me this, “when you’re in a tornado of emotions and problems, don’t look around, you’re gonna see a messy view. LOOK UP. Look up where it’s calm.” Look up where a Higher Being is looking down on you, ready to reach out and save you from your sadness. Look up where you’ll find peace and remind yourself how beautiful it is to live.
Don’t push people away. Just be kind. You might not know it, but they might be needing your attention. Don’t judge. Don’t laugh at people with suicidal tendencies and say they’re stupid because of what they feel. Suicide is not a joke. Just be kind. Everyone face a battle we have no idea about, it will be a little easier for them if we don’t judge and JUST BE KIND. 🙂
Today, I am glad to tell everyone how I am. I graduated last April 23, 2015 with a Bachelor’s Degree in Communication Arts, bringing home a very prestigious award given to students with exemplary research skills and an International Proficiency in English as certified by a global English test. I am also practicing my passion and translating it to a career; I am currently employed as a writer in an advertising agency, a writer who used a semicolon in my life. A semicolon (;) is used when a writer could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. That sentence was my life and I was and am proud to be the writer.